I spend most of my time feeling torn in half. It's so exhausting and plays a huge part in my depression, I never really know which way is the right way to go. I can't be on my own without feeling hollow and fragile but I can't stay with anyone else without overwhelming panic and fear. I don't know which way is correct, it's overwhelming.

Every year. Every year on this day I sit on my own and feel this emptiness wash over me. I cant help but feel ridiculously sorry for myself, I am 27 tomorrow and I am still not really any closer to living a 'normal' life. I live at home with my mum and her partner who hates me, I have never had a true relationship and i'm terrified I am to spend my entire life alone. I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

Demons

It's 4:37. I lie awake staring into nothing with my head spinning from one idea to another. Pop, pop, pop.

People, places, animals. Thoughts of dark and light, swirling emotion and a constant cold hard lump sits tight on my chest. Emptiness is a common friend, but tonight he has left me and I miss him, miss the release from the thoughts that scream. There is no directing things, I'm not even a part of the conversation, just an outsider observing without passing comment.

Things shift tone. Darker they swirl, my chest tightens and I catch myself picking up a needle. My mind quiets slightly, waiting, anticipating the blessed pain. I know it will make everything stop, but I picture all the times I have promised no more and I hesitate. That brief glimpse of something that seems so pure in the moment stalls my hand, long enough for me to gain a hold over the dark and force the demons down. I put the needle back on my cabinet, I promised I would try and I will.

I can't let you win.

2015

So the year is drawing to a close and I find myself quietly going over what has occurred over the past 12 months. To be perfectly honest I find it rather astonishing how far I've come in such a short space of time, compared to the uphill struggle I have been dealing with for the past 15 years.

The beginning of the year started off as usual. I was groggy with the depressing after affects of Christmas, but still managed to continue as normal and function. I started the competitive season in February and had a fall that laid me out for a while (ruptured ligaments in shoulder). I dealt with a family death without falling into my usual mind traps, and around may I began cbt therapy. This ended up extending over 3+ months and I can't even begin to say how much good it has done me.

July I applied for a promotion and the first time around I failed, but again I managed to avoid falling into a state which is a hell of an achievement. September I applied again and was this time successful but had to have a big upheaval and move on to a different team. I knew no one and I had never done that particular job before but I believe I have coped well.

In October I got on a plane to Spain alone and went to meet a set of strangers. This turned out to be the best thing I have ever done, I made new friends and now have a beautiful place to visit whenever I want to,  and I have plans to go back in may.

December saw me out being social with people I had met only over the last month or two, spending time with the work lot and even kinda Christmas shopping with the girls. Christmas eve, I took a huge leap and went on my first official date ever. I can't even.

The show season went well, culminating in being breed champion at my rc and reserve jumping champion at the north west champs.

The horses are well, as am I.

See you all in 2016

The black dog

So today a great legend lost his battle against himself. In just hours, people are both sad and angry about his passing, saying suicide is the cowards way out, but if depression can claim him, then it can claim anyone.

I see both sides. I have been stood on that void about to take a jump, and I have repeatedly been grabbed and thrown back to reality by the people closest to me. I am very lucky. I know it's selfish, I know it's the easy way out, but when you are that desperate for a release there actually appears to be no other choice. Its as though you no longer control your own body or its actions. However I also see the pain and suffering that those who love me go through every time it happens, they almost blame themselves. Are they doing something wrong? How can someone have no other option button die when they are so loved?

It is a haunting feeling, and one I'm quite sure I have not finished experiencing, maybe one day it will claim me too. For now I will keep showing those that love me most how I love them in return,  and how I don't want to leave them. I appreciate every second of the time they spend with me, and it all helps to keep me going. Thanks for everything guys.

R.I.P to the legend that was Robin Williams,  who made the world laugh even when he himself could not

Moving on

I lost my job as an instructor in July. Not for lack of trying, but shit happens.

Living with the change is extremely difficult for me, not using my skill as a teacher in my job messed up my mind for a while, hence the hiatus. I said things to people I probably wouldn't have done in my right mind, but that's what happens when stress and overactive emotions get hold of you.

The ponies continue to keep me going, tease is doing exceptional for me, just need to get a few things down pat and see how far we can go. Mabon continues to entertain and pick things up with little difficulty, I've taught him to lie down and let me get on. I have no idea why but it feels good to teach. It's my owniversary with sasha today, he has been with me now for half a decade, and I hope he's here for a long time to come.

I also owe a lot to my friends. Thanks guys for lifting me when I need you. Still hurts a lot that I lost someone I was so close to though..

Training..

Both in work and out of work, i am a trainer. In work, i am a new starters first port of call, to guide, to teach, to uphold standards and make sure everything is done safely. Out of work, i am my horses first port of call, for all the same reasons. I am frequently told i am good at what i do. My problem is i have no faith in myself, i find it difficult to believe i could be good at anything. I enjoy what i do, watching someone learn, gain confidence and suddenly realise they can do whatever task is set is my job satisfaction. Again, ditto with the horses. However, i find communicating with someone who speaks english more difficult than communication with a being who has no knowledge of language in the traditional sense. I shut down in certain situations, and i am faced with one such situation at the moment, if i want to continue doing a job i enjoy. Il freely admit, im already in a panic over it. I want to pull out and give up my job. But at the same time i feel resentful that i should be under so much stress to prove i can do a job im perfectly capable of doing, and have already earned once. Nothing should make me feel as bad as i do, as frightened as i do at the moment. I can feel my more aggressive side kicking in, demanding that i not give in, to prove myself worthy of the task. I can teach, and teach well. I Proved it to myself this morning. I went to my yard after work, tacked up my young stallion and took him for his first official ride out.