The black dog

So today a great legend lost his battle against himself. In just hours, people are both sad and angry about his passing, saying suicide is the cowards way out, but if depression can claim him, then it can claim anyone.

I see both sides. I have been stood on that void about to take a jump, and I have repeatedly been grabbed and thrown back to reality by the people closest to me. I am very lucky. I know it's selfish, I know it's the easy way out, but when you are that desperate for a release there actually appears to be no other choice. Its as though you no longer control your own body or its actions. However I also see the pain and suffering that those who love me go through every time it happens, they almost blame themselves. Are they doing something wrong? How can someone have no other option button die when they are so loved?

It is a haunting feeling, and one I'm quite sure I have not finished experiencing, maybe one day it will claim me too. For now I will keep showing those that love me most how I love them in return,  and how I don't want to leave them. I appreciate every second of the time they spend with me, and it all helps to keep me going. Thanks for everything guys.

R.I.P to the legend that was Robin Williams,  who made the world laugh even when he himself could not

Moving on

I lost my job as an instructor in July. Not for lack of trying, but shit happens.

Living with the change is extremely difficult for me, not using my skill as a teacher in my job messed up my mind for a while, hence the hiatus. I said things to people I probably wouldn't have done in my right mind, but that's what happens when stress and overactive emotions get hold of you.

The ponies continue to keep me going, tease is doing exceptional for me, just need to get a few things down pat and see how far we can go. Mabon continues to entertain and pick things up with little difficulty, I've taught him to lie down and let me get on. I have no idea why but it feels good to teach. It's my owniversary with sasha today, he has been with me now for half a decade, and I hope he's here for a long time to come.

I also owe a lot to my friends. Thanks guys for lifting me when I need you. Still hurts a lot that I lost someone I was so close to though..