The black dog

So today a great legend lost his battle against himself. In just hours, people are both sad and angry about his passing, saying suicide is the cowards way out, but if depression can claim him, then it can claim anyone.

I see both sides. I have been stood on that void about to take a jump, and I have repeatedly been grabbed and thrown back to reality by the people closest to me. I am very lucky. I know it's selfish, I know it's the easy way out, but when you are that desperate for a release there actually appears to be no other choice. Its as though you no longer control your own body or its actions. However I also see the pain and suffering that those who love me go through every time it happens, they almost blame themselves. Are they doing something wrong? How can someone have no other option button die when they are so loved?

It is a haunting feeling, and one I'm quite sure I have not finished experiencing, maybe one day it will claim me too. For now I will keep showing those that love me most how I love them in return,  and how I don't want to leave them. I appreciate every second of the time they spend with me, and it all helps to keep me going. Thanks for everything guys.

R.I.P to the legend that was Robin Williams,  who made the world laugh even when he himself could not

Moving on

I lost my job as an instructor in July. Not for lack of trying, but shit happens.

Living with the change is extremely difficult for me, not using my skill as a teacher in my job messed up my mind for a while, hence the hiatus. I said things to people I probably wouldn't have done in my right mind, but that's what happens when stress and overactive emotions get hold of you.

The ponies continue to keep me going, tease is doing exceptional for me, just need to get a few things down pat and see how far we can go. Mabon continues to entertain and pick things up with little difficulty, I've taught him to lie down and let me get on. I have no idea why but it feels good to teach. It's my owniversary with sasha today, he has been with me now for half a decade, and I hope he's here for a long time to come.

I also owe a lot to my friends. Thanks guys for lifting me when I need you. Still hurts a lot that I lost someone I was so close to though..

Training..

Both in work and out of work, i am a trainer. In work, i am a new starters first port of call, to guide, to teach, to uphold standards and make sure everything is done safely. Out of work, i am my horses first port of call, for all the same reasons. I am frequently told i am good at what i do. My problem is i have no faith in myself, i find it difficult to believe i could be good at anything. I enjoy what i do, watching someone learn, gain confidence and suddenly realise they can do whatever task is set is my job satisfaction. Again, ditto with the horses. However, i find communicating with someone who speaks english more difficult than communication with a being who has no knowledge of language in the traditional sense. I shut down in certain situations, and i am faced with one such situation at the moment, if i want to continue doing a job i enjoy. Il freely admit, im already in a panic over it. I want to pull out and give up my job. But at the same time i feel resentful that i should be under so much stress to prove i can do a job im perfectly capable of doing, and have already earned once. Nothing should make me feel as bad as i do, as frightened as i do at the moment. I can feel my more aggressive side kicking in, demanding that i not give in, to prove myself worthy of the task. I can teach, and teach well. I Proved it to myself this morning. I went to my yard after work, tacked up my young stallion and took him for his first official ride out.

Switching...

This odd process is the bane of my life. It can strike at any time, with no warning and can last anything from minutes to weeks.

Switching is my name for an emotional 180, I can go from perfectly happy to depressed and almost suicidal, or furious in seconds. There is no trigger needed. I can sometimes subdue it, or make it appear less than it is actually affecting me, but only once have I ever been able to force myself to switch back, and that was with a good deal of support.

Last night was a prime example. I have (as I've written in previous posts) been happy and content for a couple of months now, hardly an incident in between and things have been looking up. At 12pm last night I switched. I withdrew to myself, shut people off and the storm clouds formed. I could only think of the bad, had (in my mind) no one to turn to for protection against myself and grew extremely paranoid. This misery continued for 5 hours, then faded out, leaving me exhausted but glad it was over.

In situations like that it's hard not to panic, I don't trust myself to be safe, and having no faith in yourself is one of the most frightening feelings in the world x

Training thoughts

Training horses is something i have always found intriguing. How do you convey without words a concept to an animal whose natural response to people is to run far, far away from them (I know the feeling.) It starts off relatively simple. Move away from pressure, stay out of my space. Respect, im the boss. Every horse i have ever dealt with comes across these two rules quite quickly. I play games while walking out youngsters. Follow where i go, stop when i do from walk or trot, hell if they are leaping about, when my feet stop, so do theirs. I walk into their space, they move away, a quick flick of the rope to their chest will set them moving if they dont. My 3yo colt flies out of my way as soon as i turn and walk towards him, he has the respect i need him to have for me, and no matter how silly he is being he is well aware of where i am and comes nowhere near me. Once you get on board however the second rule changes, they cant get out of my space and id rather stay in it and in the saddle. I still want him to move away from pressure, my leg, my hand/bit aid, and i try to make a reward out of a release of said pressure. Horse drops onto bit, hand lightens. Steps away from leg, stop pushing ect. Then it gets more complicated. Hold your head here, move over there, lighter, collect more, engage, balance yourself and me. I have to get these messages across without speech, and im still learning myself. I try hard never to blame my horses for anything that goes wrong, (except sasha, he knows his job and i know mine, but he still tells me to go f**k myself)at some point i failed to communicate what i wanted fully, and wires were crossed. Currently having this problem with tease, but along the way im learning a lot.

I miss jumping

There, I said it. Our school isn't usable in winter,far too wet and slippery to ride in, nevermind jump, but I'm missing it so much! I know my loopy pony would probably be more like this at the moment

(yes that video is us in winter. Fence is a 120 oxer)

I can't wait for the warm dry weather so we can go back to doing what we love most. Should be good this year :)

Get on and ride

Ever have those days where you get on your horse and just, ya know, ride? Like properly, that great feeling where everything connects, your horse seems to understand, seeks a light contact and works beautifully, and you can't seem to do anything wrong?

Now imagine the opposite, and you pretty much have my ride today. I had a bolting leaning head tossing nightmare, who tensed, leaned, ran and threw herself in the air at every oppotune moment. I couldn't keep still, or find my focal point and get to grips with her, so getting anything soft and nice took a long time, and I called it a day immediately after. I know its in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to unlock it. Horses, who would have them :/

Am I mad?

Looking at my horse is like looking at a mirror. I see myself reflected back in his actions, his personality and his moods. You may read this and think I'm anthropomorpising, yet I have 4 horses and sasha is the only one I can say this is true for.

Sasha appears grumpy, miserable a lot of the time, often withdrawn or aloof. He doesnt care for company a lot, and only has a few he will allow into his group. All others are chased away. He appears calm and unmoved by anything, but prone to outbursts of complete randomness, suddenly rearing, leaping or bolting at nothing. He hates attention, unless he is unwell, where he seeks out comfort.

I suffer from hypomania, a lesser form of bipolar. I'm often depressed, withdrawn and grumpy, and want nothing to do with the world. I hate attention and have a few close friends in my group. The only time I seek affection is when I'm unwell.

Sparky, mabon and tease each have their own personalities, some of their parts match mine, but none fit like sasha does. I believe he is my heart horse, the one that matches my soul, and I owe him a great deal.

On life and death

Today a friend of mine lost a pony she bred. He was 4 years old, and irreparably horrendously lame and wasn't fixable. RIP little man. 2 years ago we lost another pony, a colt foal at 3 days old. His name was jd.
Jd was born around 6am on the 18th April 2012. He was the gorgeous silvery colour black ponies start out with a grumpy little attitude and an inability to find his first milk. He was found at 11am the same morning, struggling to stand and looking disorientated. To cut a long story short, myself and a few close friends spent the next 2 days camped at the yard, waking every two hours to make sure he could stand and had eaten/dranj something. By the 3rd day, jd was finally diagnosed as septicemic. He was given one last boost to try and help him pull through, and an ultimatum that we would probably lose him in the night. He died at 10pm on the 20th April, resting over my knee, with no vets around. The feeling of his slow breath stopping and his heartbeat fading away haunts me to this day, I find myself having nightmares about him, the terrible feeling of life leaving his poor, tiny body. Each time someone or something I know dies jd comes back to me, and one day I know it won't be jd I hold when he fades away, it will be sasha, and he will take most of my heart with him. I dread that day. I have needed to say this out loud for a long time, but I don't know who to say it to. How do you even start a conversation like that?

R.I.P jd, and chesney. Two actual brothers reunited. Look after him chez