I spend most of my time feeling torn in half. It's so exhausting and plays a huge part in my depression, I never really know which way is the right way to go. I can't be on my own without feeling hollow and fragile but I can't stay with anyone else without overwhelming panic and fear. I don't know which way is correct, it's overwhelming.

Every year. Every year on this day I sit on my own and feel this emptiness wash over me. I cant help but feel ridiculously sorry for myself, I am 27 tomorrow and I am still not really any closer to living a 'normal' life. I live at home with my mum and her partner who hates me, I have never had a true relationship and i'm terrified I am to spend my entire life alone. I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

Demons

It's 4:37. I lie awake staring into nothing with my head spinning from one idea to another. Pop, pop, pop.

People, places, animals. Thoughts of dark and light, swirling emotion and a constant cold hard lump sits tight on my chest. Emptiness is a common friend, but tonight he has left me and I miss him, miss the release from the thoughts that scream. There is no directing things, I'm not even a part of the conversation, just an outsider observing without passing comment.

Things shift tone. Darker they swirl, my chest tightens and I catch myself picking up a needle. My mind quiets slightly, waiting, anticipating the blessed pain. I know it will make everything stop, but I picture all the times I have promised no more and I hesitate. That brief glimpse of something that seems so pure in the moment stalls my hand, long enough for me to gain a hold over the dark and force the demons down. I put the needle back on my cabinet, I promised I would try and I will.

I can't let you win.